Admitting my addiction.
Up until this morning I referred to myself as a dysfunctional boozer. I'm not. I am an alcoholic. My name is LT and I have been sober for 10 days.
I'm not a fall down, pee-your pants kind of drunk. A lot of people would think that you need to be but the image most of us has is just not true. I simply cannot have one drink and leave it at that. I have tried and tried and tried.and tried again to no avail over the last 20+ years.
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I could function everyday, albeit propped up with pills, pies, coke and anything that would settle a throbbing head or an upset tum. I would put on a brave face for big meetings at work. My head would not be switched on for any action until well after lunch and then the 5 o'clock, or wine o'clock, bell was ringing in my ears from about 2 every afternoon.
I craved the taste of it. I loved the romantic notion of having a full-bodied red in a dimly-lit room while stoking the fire. I worshipped a single malt (x3 or 4) at the end of a hard day. I used to love the confidence it gave me with friends and family. Numbly and quietly I would let the cares of the world pass me by while I settled in for another "session".
At the beginning of the year I managed to give wine a kick to the kerb well, not entirely, but in a way that I could drink beer pretty much during the week and still have wine on the weekends. Nice, safe, halfway house behaviour. Ahh, yes, I can still drink. Aren't I the clever one? Cleverly managing my drinks to suit.wellstill drinking. Hmmmmmmthisrings a bell didn't I do the same thing 2 years ago let's swap wine for scotch, 5 years ago swap chardonnay for merlot. History was repeating itself over again.
So why am I here? I think it is fair to say that I have woken up. For many years the little voice on my right shoulder has been talking, and the talking of late has been pretty loud. Why are you doing this to yourself? 2 bottles a night you must be fucking crazy? You don't feel worse than yesterday but fuckhave you looked in the mirror? What was that I said again last night? How did we get home? Man, you certainly know how to pack them in. I've been having a chat with your liver and it want's the 70's back. Are you sure you found all the wine in the house last night? Did you really hide an empty bottle to disguise how much you had had? And so it has been going on.
So why is it that the wee voice is only been listened to now? We have moved city last year, one of us got a new job, I've been very unwell for the last year and a half, I began to study again this last year so you see there was a lot of change that has stirred up the way we do everything. Most of all I wanted to get better and feel like I could take advantage of the opportunities I now had. The changes in our lives have allowed some new thinking to take place and this, I can say, has not been entirely conscious. Subconsciously, and now very consciously, the time is right to hit head-on one of the greatest demons in my life, and that there is in the western world alcohol intake.
Part of the wake-up call this week has come from reading a fabulous book called "Mrs. D. goes without" by Lotta Dann. A fantastic read! Her journey from booziness to sobriety resonated with me like no other material I have read on the subject. It's a warts and all confession and something that has left me feeling that 1) it is a very good thing to acknowledge the problem, 2) it is a better thing, despite the ups and downs there will be, to leave alcohol alone and 3) I won't become a bore at parties and 4) I need to address what lies beneath the booze and then move on.
So this blog is part of my healing, for want of a better word. I'm not sure anyone else will read it or be interested but I wanted a record for myself of all the reasons why I am doing this for those days where I am sorely tempted to drink. If you are fighting with your alcohol intake or a sober then, of course, I would love to hear from you we can help each other. We're part of the same family now.
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Posted in Personal Development Post Date 01/29/2020